Life and Death"Will hemlock be provided with this exam?"
"Existence has the remarkable trait of compelling an existing individual to exist whether he wills it or not."
"Yeah, I just wish I could manipulate psychology, the laws of nature, and the space-time continuum..."
"The universe can kiss my ass. Sometimes you just deserve to move the heck on."
"You can't hang up on Goering."
"If Ray Bradbury were dead, he'd be rolling over in his grave."
"The litterbox of Damocles' cat is hanging over my head."
"What doesn't kill us makes us stronger."
"Yeah... but that's if it doesn't kill us."
"If you were a Sith Lord, you'd be Darth Piteous."
"To suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous sixth-graders..."
"Announcements are fleeting, but board meetings are forever."
Religion"Why do people say `fun as hell'? Hell isn't fun. Well, maybe you would think it was. Oh wait, you're getting reincarnated. My bad."
"If nuns are married to the Trinity, does that mean they're in a polyamorous relationship?"
"Put away your gods when you're done playing with them."
"Dionysos: the god of booty..."
"I dunno, first thing I thought on meeting you was "Man, that chick has got some NICE moral superiority! I mean, she could be in Modern Deity magazine. I dunno about centerfold, but def. pinup material. Look at that strength of character!"
"And how about the deal with assuming that pagans all believe in a female dominated egalitarian society where we all ate brie smeared on vegan mammoth tusks and fanned each other whilst the menfolk brushed our hair in the moonlight?"
"Polarity is... important, if you're a set of jumper cables."
"I tell ye, there'll be no butter in hell!"
Relationships (and Other Sources of Angst)"Half of me just wants to play around and doesn't want to deal with my matched set of emotional baggage and my terrarium of neuroses."
"Insight hit her with the strangling strength of Jack the Ripper."
"I just want to tell her to take her imago and shove it up her anal phase."
"Relationships are like giant squid; you never really see inside of them until they're dead."
"That bitch. That punk-ass coward. I hope they shrivel up and mummify in the coffins of their familial dysfunction.
And you can quote me on that."
"I dated my ex-girlfriend's housemate's boyfriend's ex-girlfriend's ex-boyfriend's housemate!"
"Moral high ground? He wouldn't know how to find moral high ground if you drew him a map of how to get there!"
"Moral high ground? He wouldn't know how to find moral high ground if he were the Pope standing on Mount Everest!"
"Some artists drink or do drugs; I do emotion."
"I'm tired of relationships that come with a 'sell by' date."
"Vacant... yet convenient. Like a motel room."
describing a friend's girlfriend
[OK, so we were totally wrong]
"The Big Sisterly Advice Machine - only $199.95, batteries not included."
"Well, you do date an interesting assortment of personalities. Kinda like one of those chocolate samplers."
"Boys: you've gotta love 'em, because otherwise what the hell would they do with themselves?"
"I'm sorry, we have to break up - I just can't stop thinking about me."
"Even Solomon in all his wisdom... probably never had to deal with things like this."
"This is better than a soap opera."
"Of course, I'm beginning to think this poly stuff is like crack. Once you're on it, you can't really go back.. Monogamy makes less and less sense logically. Emotionally, it makes substantially more, but in that turtle-in-the-shell sort of way."
"A single stray tear is falling from my eye. Like Johnny Depp in Cry-Baby, but without the leather jacket."
"Gamers get +2 charisma points with you!"
"Every single mom deserves a hot Croation doctor."
"You know what I love about our relationship? We could have a huge argument today, and tomorrow there would be NOTHING about it on LiveJournal!"
"Monogamy is the Highlander model of relationships: 'THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!'"
Food and Drink"I don't like chocolate. Except, what is it, that naked chick on the horse in England... oh yeah, Godiva."
"Now I know why Miss Hannigan was drunk all the time."
"The hills were alive with the sound of Guinness."
"Nice lunchbox. Whadda you got in there, lunch?"
"I will hunt down the wild gouda in the forest!"
ME: What was she smoking?
MY MOM: Um... the weed of discontent?
"If life gives you hard lemons, make hard lemonade."
"Chile is like California on a diet."
"No smoking in bed! It's not just state law - it endangers your health."
Sex and Gender"You should always have some around - you never know when you might want to have sex or perform an autopsy."
"Because you're pretty hot, and she's really hot. No wait, I mean... you're really hot, and she's good-looking! I mean... you make me want to have sex with you every time I see you, and she's sort of okay!"
"The homophobia of boys in the 11-12-13 age range is a stronger force than gravity."
(if only it got better after 13...!)
"I'm glad I put my clothes on before that policeman came in."
"We can't help it; we're studying sex - I mean psychology!"
"I took off his pocket protector and threw it violently across the floor..."
"Sex is Good! Sex is Great! Yea, Sex!"
"I know I'm homophobic, but not about gay guys - they don't bother me at all. It's straight guys who don't know they're gay. They fuck my shit right up."
"'Anarchy' is portrayed as this hot, half-naked chick with flowy red fabric draped around her and lounged out on a rock."
Stuffy Police Officer: "But they're naked!"
Lord Of The Pagan Island: "Naturally! It would be much too dangerous to leap through a bonfire with your clothes on!"
"Don't think that lady in the bonnet hasn't had her fair share of orgies."
"At least what I did was legal!"
"If the Whore of Babylon doesn't tempt you, what will?"
"Sorry, I didn't mean to gender you."
"It's like going to Disneyland for a day."
"Sperm are like suicide bombers."
"Nice rack... And I mean that in the most respectful way."
French Stuff"Al vous encule avec le chandelier de sa grand-mere"
"Pour faire quelque chose de bien de son dict ouvrage, il faudroit refaire le commancement, le milieu et la fin."
("To make something good out of his piece, it would be necessary to redo the beginning, the middle and the end.")
"Elle n'était pas très grande. Mais elle avait ce qu'il fallait là ou il fallait."
"[Their class system] wouldn't be so rigid if they'd use that silly bread of theirs for something useful. Maybe if somebody whacked them over the head with it every so often."
"Il s'agit pas des chaussures! Il s'agit de mon destin."
("It's not about shoes! It's about my destiny.")
"The French have come into my house to mutilate my billiard game. No evil is beyond them."
"Gaul was divided into three parts by the Romans... and it never recovered."
The Man (And Other Social Justice Issues)"They are definitely the tool of The Man. I think the only thing to debate is whether they're the tool of today's Man or the tool of yesteryear's Man."
ME: I want to abolish the electoral college!
JON: Well, the electoral college wants to abolish you!
"Things are just so much simpler in the army."
"So basically, if Republicans weren't hypocritical, they'd be Libertarians."
"You are such a dork. You're a giant social-working dork."
"Is Valentine's Day really about celebrating the people you care about, or is it celebrating heteronormative monogamous institutions of patriarchal oppression and capitalist consumption?"
ME: God rested on Sunday.
YAU: Yeah, but God didn't have to pay rent.
"Wolves are the soccer moms of the wild."
"They're drunk on capitalism! They think if some [capitalism] is good, more is always better! But it's not!"
"It's not voter suppression if it's your family!"
"I'm going to get the government to spend that woman's tax dollars the way I think they damn well should be spent. That'll show her."
"A wolf is a wolf, whether or not it's in sheep's clothing."
"I didn't sell out, son - I bought in."
Miscellaneous"It's the den of sin and squalor. She's Sin; I'm Squalor."
"Embrace the vibe of togetherness"
"Mom, that's Madonna."
"Well, it sounds like you're trying to rewind the tape and it's not working."
"I'm not a record, so I'm different every time you play me."
"Let me show you the treasures of our tribe. First, the dice."
"How does that saying go? 'They came, they saw, they left'...?"
"It's so postmodern, it has parentheses."
"Origami is really calming, until it gets annoying."
"How about the twelfth of never, at never o'clock?"
"Al your Qaeda are belong to us."
"The family that travels together... unravels together?"
ME: Isn't 6-4-6 a cell phone area code?
COMPUTER GUY: There's no anything-anything-anything anymore. It's all just numbers.
"What, you don't think I'm the Steven King of social workers?"
"Jury Service: It's different. It's better. It's the law."
"California freeways: can't get anywhere with 'em, can't get anywhere without 'em."
"Every time I read this, I marvel at the fine sharpened tool that is your wit."
"She reads at the speed of light. She would read faster than the speed of light, but then she wouldn't be able to see the page."