from my friends and acquaintances, on various and sundry topics

Life and Death

"Will hemlock be provided with this exam?"
- a girl in my German class

"Existence has the remarkable trait of compelling an existing individual to exist whether he wills it or not."
- Kierkegaard

"Yeah, I just wish I could manipulate psychology, the laws of nature, and the space-time continuum..."
- Marcy, in a perfectly matter-of-fact voice

"The universe can kiss my ass. Sometimes you just deserve to move the heck on."
- my friend Arden, on being forced by the cosmos to deal with things you would prefer to ignore

"You can't hang up on Goering."
- me, to Jamie, about why telemarketers are not as evil as Nazis

"If Ray Bradbury were dead, he'd be rolling over in his grave."
- me, about the movie adaptation of A Sound of Thunder

"The litterbox of Damocles' cat is hanging over my head."
- Jamie (paraphrased slightly)

"What doesn't kill us makes us stronger."
"Yeah... but that's if it doesn't kill us."
- my coworker and me, respectively, about our job

"If you were a Sith Lord, you'd be Darth Piteous."
- Jamie, to the meowing cat

"To suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous sixth-graders..."
- me and Jamie, about my job

"Announcements are fleeting, but board meetings are forever."
- my sweetie, about why I should say NO to being on a board.


"Why do people say `fun as hell'? Hell isn't fun. Well, maybe you would think it was. Oh wait, you're getting reincarnated. My bad."
- my little brother Jonathan

"If nuns are married to the Trinity, does that mean they're in a polyamorous relationship?"
- Marcy

"Put away your gods when you're done playing with them."
- Shana, about uninvoking at the end of rituals

"Dionysos: the god of booty..."
- Matt P.

"I dunno, first thing I thought on meeting you was "Man, that chick has got some NICE moral superiority! I mean, she could be in Modern Deity magazine. I dunno about centerfold, but def. pinup material. Look at that strength of character!"
- Patrick, to me

"And how about the deal with assuming that pagans all believe in a female dominated egalitarian society where we all ate brie smeared on vegan mammoth tusks and fanned each other whilst the menfolk brushed our hair in the moonlight?"
- Tess (in response to an article about paganism)

"Polarity is... important, if you're a set of jumper cables."
- Louise

"I tell ye, there'll be no butter in hell!"
-a devout preacher in Cold Comfort Farm

Relationships (and Other Sources of Angst)

"Half of me just wants to play around and doesn't want to deal with my matched set of emotional baggage and my terrarium of neuroses."
- Heather

"Insight hit her with the strangling strength of Jack the Ripper."
- a romance novel

"I just want to tell her to take her imago and shove it up her anal phase."
- Marcy, of course, about the psychoanalyst Melanie Klein

"Relationships are like giant squid; you never really see inside of them until they're dead."
- a comic book Melissa was reading

"That bitch. That punk-ass coward. I hope they shrivel up and mummify in the coffins of their familial dysfunction.
And you can quote me on that."
- Marcy

"I dated my ex-girlfriend's housemate's boyfriend's ex-girlfriend's ex-boyfriend's housemate!"
- me

"Moral high ground? He wouldn't know how to find moral high ground if you drew him a map of how to get there!"
- Tess
(or, alternately):
"Moral high ground? He wouldn't know how to find moral high ground if he were the Pope standing on Mount Everest!"
- my little brother, correcting Tess' quote

"Some artists drink or do drugs; I do emotion."
- Lisa, about creative endeavors

"I'm tired of relationships that come with a 'sell by' date."
- Iain

"Vacant... yet convenient. Like a motel room."
- me and Lauren,
describing a friend's girlfriend
[OK, so we were totally wrong]

"The Big Sisterly Advice Machine - only $199.95, batteries not included."
- my little brother Jon

"Well, you do date an interesting assortment of personalities. Kinda like one of those chocolate samplers."
- Yau, to me

"Boys: you've gotta love 'em, because otherwise what the hell would they do with themselves?"
- me, foolishly and wrongly (in August 2000)

"I'm sorry, we have to break up - I just can't stop thinking about me."
- Jay, to a hypothetical girlfriend

"Even Solomon in all his wisdom... probably never had to deal with things like this."
- my mom, about my romantic complications (several years ago)
"Yes, he did! Think of all those wives!"
- Jamie, in response (recently)

"This is better than a soap opera."
- my brother, about my romantic complications

"Of course, I'm beginning to think this poly stuff is like crack. Once you're on it, you can't really go back.. Monogamy makes less and less sense logically. Emotionally, it makes substantially more, but in that turtle-in-the-shell sort of way."
- Matt

"A single stray tear is falling from my eye. Like Johnny Depp in Cry-Baby, but without the leather jacket."
- me, through Kelly, to Cristina

"Gamers get +2 charisma points with you!"
- Matt S., to me

"Every single mom deserves a hot Croation doctor."
- Jamie, about E.R.

"You know what I love about our relationship? We could have a huge argument today, and tomorrow there would be NOTHING about it on LiveJournal!"
- me, to my sweetie, about the obnoxiousness of LJ

"Monogamy is the Highlander model of relationships: 'THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!'"
- me and Jamie

Food and Drink

"I don't like chocolate. Except, what is it, that naked chick on the horse in England... oh yeah, Godiva."
- Philippe

"Now I know why Miss Hannigan was drunk all the time."
- Joanne, my co-chaperone, as we were supervising 8 - 14-year-old girls on a two-week trip

"The hills were alive with the sound of Guinness."
- Marcy (quotable girl, isn't she?), on spending New Year's in Ireland

"Nice lunchbox. Whadda you got in there, lunch?"
- witty boy outside a 7-11, to Renae

"I will hunt down the wild gouda in the forest!"
-me, about being a vegetarian

ME: What was she smoking?
MY MOM: Um... the weed of discontent?

"If life gives you hard lemons, make hard lemonade."
- me, drinking a bottle of Sublime

"Chile is like California on a diet."
- Luis

"No smoking in bed! It's not just state law - it endangers your health."
- sign in a Wyoming motel room

Sex and Gender

"You should always have some around - you never know when you might want to have sex or perform an autopsy."
- Christina, about latex

"Because you're pretty hot, and she's really hot. No wait, I mean... you're really hot, and she's good-looking! I mean... you make me want to have sex with you every time I see you, and she's sort of okay!"
- Linn, to me

"The homophobia of boys in the 11-12-13 age range is a stronger force than gravity."
- an article in Newsweek
(if only it got better after 13...!)

"I'm glad I put my clothes on before that policeman came in."
- Tess

"We can't help it; we're studying sex - I mean psychology!"
- Marcy, on thinking about sex a lot

"I took off his pocket protector and threw it violently across the floor..."
- my roommate Kathleen, on how they should write romance novels with nerd protagonists

"Sex is Good! Sex is Great! Yea, Sex!"
- The Pan-Sexual Peace Party

"I know I'm homophobic, but not about gay guys - they don't bother me at all. It's straight guys who don't know they're gay. They fuck my shit right up."
- King Missile, "Gay/ Not Gay"

"'Anarchy' is portrayed as this hot, half-naked chick with flowy red fabric draped around her and lounged out on a rock."
- Shana (about a mural in the Library of Congress)
"I wanna be bad government, if it's a sexy redhead! Sexy government is good government!"
- Marcy, in response

Stuffy Police Officer: "But they're naked!"
Lord Of The Pagan Island: "Naturally! It would be much too dangerous to leap through a bonfire with your clothes on!"
- The Wicker Man, this weird sort of pagan movie

"Don't think that lady in the bonnet hasn't had her fair share of orgies."
- Bethany, about the Amish

"At least what I did was legal!"
- me, to my brother

"If the Whore of Babylon doesn't tempt you, what will?"
- me, to Nicole, about uninspiring ritual

"Sorry, I didn't mean to gender you."
- me, to Shayn

"It's like going to Disneyland for a day."
- my friend, on her first time going to a strip club

"Sperm are like suicide bombers."
- Katie

"Nice rack... And I mean that in the most respectful way."
- fellow Rites-of-Spring-goer who shall remain nameless

French Stuff

"Al vous encule avec le chandelier de sa grand-mere"
- French graffiti (it's too rude to translate)

"Pour faire quelque chose de bien de son dict ouvrage, il faudroit refaire le commancement, le milieu et la fin."
("To make something good out of his piece, it would be necessary to redo the beginning, the middle and the end.")
- Boesset (a 17th century French composer)

"Elle n'était pas très grande. Mais elle avait ce qu'il fallait là ou il fallait."
- Jean-Claude Izzo, Total Kheops

"[Their class system] wouldn't be so rigid if they'd use that silly bread of theirs for something useful. Maybe if somebody whacked them over the head with it every so often."
- Shadow, about the French

"Il s'agit pas des chaussures! Il s'agit de mon destin."
("It's not about shoes! It's about my destiny.")
- Francois, in the movie Wild Reeds

"The French have come into my house to mutilate my billiard game. No evil is beyond them."
- All the Pretty Horses, by Cormac McCarthy

"Gaul was divided into three parts by the Romans... and it never recovered."
- Ann Jones, my comparative literature professor at Smith, about why all French writing has three sections

The Man (And Other Social Justice Issues)

"They are definitely the tool of The Man. I think the only thing to debate is whether they're the tool of today's Man or the tool of yesteryear's Man."
- my brother Will, about corsets

ME: I want to abolish the electoral college!
JON: Well, the electoral college wants to abolish you!

"Things are just so much simpler in the army."
- Yau

"So basically, if Republicans weren't hypocritical, they'd be Libertarians."
- me

"You are such a dork. You're a giant social-working dork."
- Kim, to me, after I used "mediating conflict between two people" as an analogy for hearing two different versions of the same song

"Is Valentine's Day really about celebrating the people you care about, or is it celebrating heteronormative monogamous institutions of patriarchal oppression and capitalist consumption?"
- me and Linn

ME: God rested on Sunday.
YAU: Yeah, but God didn't have to pay rent.

"Wolves are the soccer moms of the wild."
- Jamie, about animals and cooperative childcare

"They're drunk on capitalism! They think if some [capitalism] is good, more is always better! But it's not!"
- my policy professor, about Republican policymakers

"It's not voter suppression if it's your family!"
- me, on Election Day

"I'm going to get the government to spend that woman's tax dollars the way I think they damn well should be spent. That'll show her."
- me

"A wolf is a wolf, whether or not it's in sheep's clothing."
- Bucky, about racism

"I didn't sell out, son - I bought in."
- yuppie father to his anarchist punk son, in SLC Punk


"It's the den of sin and squalor. She's Sin; I'm Squalor."
- my roommate Heidi, about our room

"Embrace the vibe of togetherness"
- a rave flyer

"Mom, that's Madonna."
"Well, it sounds like you're trying to rewind the tape and it's not working."
- me and my mom, as "Vogue" came on the car tape player

"I'm not a record, so I'm different every time you play me."
- me, as usual not realizing quite what I was saying

"Let me show you the treasures of our tribe. First, the dice."
- Colin, about gamers in other countries

"How does that saying go? 'They came, they saw, they left'...?"
- Kelly, half-asleep

"It's so postmodern, it has parentheses."
- me

"Origami is really calming, until it gets annoying."
- one of my kids

"How about the twelfth of never, at never o'clock?"
- Arden, on trying to schedule group meetings

"Al your Qaeda are belong to us."
- me, on learning that "al Qaeda" means "the base"

"The family that travels together... unravels together?"
- my dad

ME: Isn't 6-4-6 a cell phone area code?
COMPUTER GUY: There's no anything-anything-anything anymore. It's all just numbers.

"What, you don't think I'm the Steven King of social workers?"
- me, to Jamie, about how I should get a pay advance

"Jury Service: It's different. It's better. It's the law."
- brochure about jury duty in California

"California freeways: can't get anywhere with 'em, can't get anywhere without 'em."
- me

"Every time I read this, I marvel at the fine sharpened tool that is your wit."
- Arden, to me, about something I wrote

"She reads at the speed of light. She would read faster than the speed of light, but then she wouldn't be able to see the page."
- Jamie, about me

Pick-up Lines from real life
Marcy sayings and habits
Take me back to Beth's World of Wonders!